Just a little while ago, I put Nyla on the school bus and now I am back at home listening to the rain pitter pattering against the window pane, while I’m trying to muster the strength to write this post.  It’s fun to write about love and babies being born and all the beautiful aspects of life, but it’s not always fun to be real.  Because it means opening up and showing everything, the good, the bad and the ugly.

The year is coming to a close and this year has been a tough one for me.  I have been faced with so much loss that it has taken every ounce of strength to get up some mornings.  I’ve also gained quite a bit of weight this year because my way of dealing with stress is to indulge in rich foods and yummy baked treats.  I keep asking myself why in the world am I talking about this. I guess because I need to, because if I don’t figure out how I got here and how I feel about being here I might get stuck here. This right now just isn’t an option.

It’s even harder because I lost one of the people I could talk to about the way I’m feeling. The hardest part is the reason I lost her… because she took her own life.  What makes it worst is no one talks about it. This only leaves me with a long list of regrets, confused and angry.  I have wanted to write/talk about this for the entire year but didn’t know how.  There are so  many of us walking around  pretending that things are hunky dory when instead we are stressed and in pain and don’t  know where  to begin. That’s why I had to  write this; I had to let it go because I just can’t be stuck here anymore. I am finally releasing this all out into the universe.  I’m spending my energy in 2012 on healing, growing and sharing my triumphs and trials so that we can learn from each other and let our voices mean something.

When I’m having a bad day I read the poem below and remind myself a whole life is comprised of sunshine and rain.  I need to be able to talk about both, so you don’t just see the beautiful facade but the whole person.   I have also signed up for hot yoga classes for January, its time to do more than just reflect about how I got here and instead work to getting back to being my outgoing, fun loving self.

The Invitation

by: Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

© 1995 by Oriah House, From “Dreams Of Desire”
Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4L 2A0