Life is precious. Not because it is unchangeable like a diamond, but because it is vulnerable, like a bird.
A friend of mine put this quote out on Facebook at a time when I needed it most. For that, I thank you.
I have learned over the past few weeks how true those words are and the importance of living every moment fully. On new year’s eve I got word that someone I was close to; someone I could talk to about anything… was no longer with us. Initially when the words left my dad’s lips I really thought he was mistaken or he did not know what he was talking about. “Maybe there has been some kind of mix-up!” I thought. I remember saying “she just emailed me the other day, it’s not true.” I immediately called my aunt and she confirmed my worst fears and I have been in somewhat of a fog ever since.
Jordhanna and I grew up in the same apartment building together but more than that she was the niece of my aunt’s husband. When we were younger Jordhanna and I would play together from time to time, however back then our 6 year age gap meant we did not hang out much.
Sometime in late 2008 or early 2009 we came back into each other’s lives. It is so weird how despite the age gap this time we had so much to talk about. Jordhanna always had me laughing at her antics. She was passionate, bold, stubborn, beautiful, funny and crazy about music. It was so easy for us to relate this time around because we both had so much more in common. We both grew up in the church, so to speak but had found that something was missing and together we would discuss and trade books on philosophy and spirituality. We would debate, laugh and argue about numerous topics. Jordhanna would always send me songs that she was working on we would discuss her feelings about the song and talk about what caused her to write it. She always told me to delete them after because they weren’t perfected yet, but I still have a few of my favourites. I would tease her about waiting for that politically conscious song that I knew she was capable of writing. She would ask me about motherhood and confide that she strongly wished for a family of her own. I told her she had lots of time for that, to just enjoy life…. We discussed our relationships and dreams to the point that Andre would ask me “what do you guys have to talk about all the time?” I remember Jordhanna teasing him that he was jealous.
Immediately after it sunk in that she is really gone, I had all these regrets. Wishing I called her in those last two-three weeks. Wishing that I told her how much she had brought to my life. It took researching the quote above to help me to realize that all of us who knew her will be plagued by the what if’s. What matters in life though are not the what if moments but all the other great moments that we shared. Our life is not comprised of one moment or one mistake instead it is made up of many moments. I am going to choose to remember all the beautiful moments we shared instead of stressing about the things I can never change. I will however ensure to say, I love you and you matter, to the people that are still in my life.
The most important gift Jordhanna brought to my life is the gift of writing. When I was younger I would dabble and write a poem here or my thoughts down once in a while. As a photographer I wrote on my blog but never truly felt like a writer. Jordhanna got me to see a writer is just someone who writes and she pushed me to write more from the heart and not just because I had to. She was the one who told me I must write the “Ever want to be adopted post.” Without Jordhanna it would not have been written, I thought it was too trivial, she thought it was important and she was right.
So I thank you J, for all that you have brought to my life, the conversations, the laughter, the frustration, lol (due to her stubborn side) but most of all the sisterhood we shared and the lesson you left me of always writing from the heart. I am now using the gift you imparted to help me heal.
The light that you have brought to the world will be truly missed more than any written words could ever express.
Love you long time,
Gina
In memory of Jordhanna Vieira from Beautiful Images on Vimeo.
